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Other websites will do boring “Top 5 movies of 2007″ lists at the end of the year. At BasKya, we are much more creative, and we are doing the list 5 months early^[1]. Go to the other websites if you want 24×7 coverage of The Sanjay Show; come to BasKya for the in-depth analysis that we are famous for.

Dr. Shilpa Shetty (Pic source, full-size)

#5. I, Proud to be Indian:

The story of a down-on-her-luck movie starlet, Shilpa Shetty^[2], who gets a last chance to hit stardom via the Celebrity Big Brother show in UK. The inspiring tale of how she overcomes insurmountable obstacles and converts her main weakness (her brown skin) into her main strength definitely make this the number 1 feel good movie of the year. It has easily managed to whip up more nationalistic spirit amongst the Indian viewers than Swades and Rang De Basanti put together.

#4. Apna Sapna Money Money:

This laugh-a-minute slapstick comedy follows the antics of a bunch of incompetent idiots who become BCCI officials by mistake. Hilarity ensues. The firing-Greg-Chappell-and-hiring-Graham-Ford extended sequence is destined to become a modern comedy classic - reminiscent of classic pie-throwing sequences^[3] with bystanders (like Harbhajan, Sehwag) also joining into the fray.

#3. Documentary: The Agricultural crisis in Maharashtra

While the rest of Bollywood was busy churning out escapist fare with fake fights, item numbers and puppy love, this documentary dared to move the viewer with the plight of the farmers in Maharashtra^[4]. It follows three farmers, Amitabh Bachchan, Aamir Khan, and Jitendra through the trials and tribulations they suffer at the hands of greedy money-grubbing politicians, mediapersons more interested in viewership than the truth, and most unkindly, the hurt caused to them by their own fellow farmers. A must-see for anybody who wants to see great acting performances.

Mrs. Abhishek Bachchan (nee Aishwarya Rai) (Pic source)

#2. Vivaah:

This multi-starrer with a star-cast consisting of Amitabh, Abhishek, Aishwarya, (and Jaya Bachchan in a special role) was guaranteed box office success and it did not disappoint. Instead of having a single scary villain, the idea of having the entire press corps playing a negative role was inspired, and paid rich dividends. The only low point of the movie was newcomer Jahnavi Kapoor in the role of the ‘other woman’. She was unconvincing, and the lack of screen presence hurt her. There are rumors that her screen time was reduced at the behest of Aishwarya. BasKya is of the opinion that having an established star in that role, like Karisma Kapoor, would have been much better received by the audience.

And the number 1 movie of 2007…

#1. Ek Ruka Hua Faisla:

This court-room drama about the 1993 Bombay bomb blasts was lifted out of mediocrity with a powerful role by Sanjay Dutt. The plot is rather ghisa-pita - the troubled youth who gets into drugs and then gets sucked into the Mumbai underworld has been done much better earlier. But this one had the advantage of a much better publicity blitz, with the help of media partners Aaj Tak and Times of India. And while there are some negative reviews, response from the audiences has been mostly positive. While some trade analysts claim that its popularity was hurt by not having a female lead, BasKya firmly believes that it enhanced the realism and grittiness of the drama; the final scene where Sanjay Dutt’s character is sentenced had the whole nation on tenterhooks. It is rare that a serious movie like this has captured the imagination of the nation.

Actually, this article has nothing to do with Priyanka Chopra, but lets face it - all Bollywood magazines and websites (not to mention the last page of the Times of India) put gratuitous photos of scantily clad actresses that have very little to do with the article. Who am I to buck the trend started by such fine and successful publications? (Pic source, full-size)

[1] Turns out that I am not as creative as I thought. Akshay Shah has already done a “Top-5 movies of the middle of 2007″ type of post.

[2]Shilpa Shetty is now a PhD and has her own perfume

[3] While researching when and how pie-throwing became a staple of slapstick comedy I came across the factoid that the Laurel and Hardy short film Battle of the Century required 4000 pies.

[4] For a more serious look at the real plight of the farmers in Maharashtra, take a look at this blog post and this associated report. The report is a fact-filled analysis of the agricultural crisis facing Maharashtra. And this is another report of the woes of rural Andhra Pradesh; I like this report a little less, but it is still very intriguing and worth reading.

Indiatimes has apparently announced a new service. See the ad below:

Click to see full-size photo.

Apparently, married men in the 35 to 50 age group are thrilled with this announcement. So is the gay community which points out that 11 out of the 18 “maal” replacements that have been pictured as replacements for the “old wife” are guys - clearly indicating that a large percentage of men looking to replace their wives are in fact gay.

Notes:

• In case you haven’t seen the original advertisement: This is based on ads Indiatimes is running this week in prominent newspapers. I simply scanned those in, and I only changed two characters. Nothing else. If you haven’t seen the ads, then you should try to guess what the ad was before my changes. Leave your guesses in the comments section

Sanjay Dutt was just sentenced to 6 years
imprisonment. Do you think the punishment was appropriate?

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Sanjay B. Jumaani

Sanjay B. Jumaani, the brilliant numerologist, and the genius behind such names as Kahin Kissii Roz and Delnaazz Paaul is being awarded the country’s highest civilian honour, the Bharatt Rratnaa, for his immense contributions to the film and television industry and the major role he has played in it’s success. He was also cited for the tremendous influence he has had on the next generation of Indians through his work, his newspaper columns, and his radio shows.

He started his career rather unobtrusively, adding the odd ‘a’ to the end of names like Shobhaa De and Ishaa Koppikar. He slowly made his mark felt by replacing various sundry vowels with “ie” or “ei” in big names like Suniel Shetty, and Riteish Deshmukh. But he really matured as an artist of extraordinary caliber when he challenged conventional norms with the bold Kkusum. From there, he went from strength to strength, until he reached the pinnacle of success - Himesh Reshammiya’s Aap Kaa Surroor - the Moviee - A Real Luv Story. Anyone who has seen reviews of the movie, and people’s comments on the story, direction and acting will agree that the resounding success can only be attributed to numerological causes. And who can forget the brilliant Kasautii Zindagii Kay. The “ii” at the end of the first and second words lulls the viewer into a false sense of complancency, which is masterfully shattered when at the end, instead of the expected “kii”, we get the surreal “kay”.

The influence of Jumaani’s work is not confined to the borders of India. His impact is slowly spreading to the rest of the world. Who can doubt the name and the subsequent success of the Nintendo Wii is ultimately attributable to Jumaani?

But, these are not the real reasons for awarding Jumaani the Bharatt Rratnaa. BasKya has learnt through reliable sources in the Home Ministry, that his real contributions are those that have not happened yet, but have been predicted. Chief among those are the astronomic rise of the Sensex in 2008 after it is renamed to Sensekks; the final and peaceful solution to the reservations issue after reservations are set to the more numerologically sound 3%; and the complete annihilation of Pakistan in 2011 when he will go undercover as Arabian numerologist Sanj-e-Jumma-i-imaani and will give them bad numerological adivce.

Hopefully, there are more accolades in store for Jumaani. We here at BasKya sincerely hope that he is awarded the Param Vir Chakra. Soon.

Notes and Related reading:

• Numerological analysis of why Rajnikanth and Sivaji were successful
• Jumaani’s website. This is a must read. Full of gems like “Abhishek Bhachchan and Vidhya Balan both won an award as predicted by me last year. Himesh Rshamiya is a number 5 person hence won an award.” (Note the spellings.) Also, the predictions page only contains predictions of the past (Aishwarya will get married, Aamir will get married); I couldn’t find any predictions of the future. To quote Neils Bohr, “Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.”
• Rahul Bhatia has a long and detailed article about Jumaani. I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry at the end. Contains such gems as “his wife, Jhernna S Jumaani (a ‘germologist’ who runs a company called ‘Gemz Bonnd’, according to her business card)”.

Outrageously Zexxy

Competing for viewers. Top: Bipasha Basu’s boob job. Bottom: Salman Khan’s belly button thingy.

Trade analysts are fairly upbeat about the prospects of this new style. “This is a style that is mainly targeted towards the multiplex audiences, and will be a hit in the metros.” said noted analyst Taran Adarsh^[2], “It will not appeal much to the rural audiences, and is likely to underperform in the heartland. However it is likely to be highly favored by audiences in the overseas.”^[1]. The director of the haircut, Dilshad Pastakia, thinks that it will capture the imagination of the masses. “Everyone’s gonna want their hair the SRK way now,” she opines^[3].

Some people have questioned the wisdom of unveiling this hairstyle at the same time as the public release of the dangly thing in Salman Khan’s belly button, and coming so soon after the uncovering of Bipasha Basu’s boob job, and fear that the resulting fragmentation of the audiences will have a negative impact. However, this should really not be cause for much concern. Salman’s belly button thing has not really been provided the promotional push required to make it a major hit. And Bipasha’s bosoms are really aimed towards a different target demographic.

Jackie Chan

Lots of critics have unhappily pointed out the fact that this hairstyle is a tuft-by-tuft remake of Jackie Chan’s popular 2003 hairstyle. This however, misses the point. Shahrukh has beautifully adapted the hairstyle for Indian audiences. And in any case, even if it is an exact copy, this is still a valuable contribution - since it makes the hairstyle accessible to a billion viewers who might not have seen the original Chan hairstyle.

At 6.4 inches, it is longer than the average Bollywood hairstyle. “The front half of the hair is very exciting and entertaining, but the back half just sort of drags,” says one disgruntled fan. However, most others have felt that while actually watching it, it does not seem long at all. Here’s hoping it will have a ‘long’ reign at the box office.

Footnotes:
[1]: I would have thought that “even in the overseas” or “even in overseas” is incorrect grammar, and I should be saying “even overseas”, but what do I know. I shall bow to the wisdom of others who have been doing this longer than I, and stick with the accepted terminology.
[2]: As noted below, BasKya is a satirical website. If you really believe that Taran Adarsh said those things, please surrender your internet connection and admit yourself to a home for the retarded.
[3]: This one is not made up. The hair stylist, Dilshad, actually said that.

After the average performance of the multi-Deol starrer Apne at the box office, producer Rahul Sugandh has done a careful analysis of box office trends and come up with a surefire plan for guaranteed success in his next move: more Deols.

With the help of economist Stephen Levitt, he analyzed box office results to come up with the accompanying graph, which clearly indicates what is the best strategy for box office bonanza.

Hence, in addition to Dharmendra, Sunny and Bobby, his next movie will also feature Esha and Ahana Deol have already been signed. Addressing concerns that profitability of the movie would be affected by the increased cost of the expanded starcast, Sugandh responded that this actually results in lower costs. “Since Ahana is a newcomer, she does not command a very high price - she is willing to work in return for Planet-M gift coupons. And given the current state of Esha’s career, she is actually paying us for being in this movie.”

There are unconfirmed reports that Guddu Dhanoa has similar ideas for his next movie and is also negotiating with Hema Malini and Abhay Deol, for a record-breaking six-and-a-half Deols. These developments are being closely watched by industry analysts wondering whether this signals the start of a new trend. And by Randhir Kapoor who can blow these kids out of the water with a movie starring 23 Kapoors.

Related reading:

• “Audiences have waited so long to see the whole family in one film and they won’t be disappointed” sez Hema Malini about Apne, which brought tears to her eyes.
• You should watch Apne because Dharmendra and Sunny Deol have had emotional issues in real life…
• Tushar decides to get all mixed up about a bunch of movies in Apne Shivaji Ka Awaarapan

The excruciating wait is over and the final installment of Harry Potter is out. To save you the trouble of standing in line a the bookstore, fighting off rabid fans, fending off your brother/sister/wife/roommate who wants to read it first, and in general reading the whole thing, BasKya brings you the most interesting parts o the book:

#6. Harry, Ron and Hermione are being chased by death eaters and are in danger of being captured. They use the polyjuice potion to convert into Lara Dutta, Mallika Sherawat and Rakhi Sawant and do an item number until the death eaters leave.

#5.Voldemort shoots an Avada kedavra curse at Harry. Hagrid sees it flying towards Harry and takes a diving leap towards it. It hits Hagrid in the chest. He slowly breathes his last in a sobbing Harry’s arms (”Please take care of Fang and Grawp for me, and Buckbeak and … “). In the meantime Voldemort hangs around in the background waiting for this scene to get over before resuming the fight.

#4.Draco Malfoy shows photoshopped photos of Harry kissing Hermione to Ginny and Ron. Both go into a jealous rage and become death eaters. They help Malfoy capture Harry and Hermione. I can’t reveal the rest since that would be a major spoiler.

#3.Ron is supposed to meet Hermione at Hogsmeade village for a date, but forgets about it. Hermione, alone at Hogsmeade, is surrounded by death eaters. She flies away on her trusty broom, with the death eaters in pursuit. Her broom breaks, she is captured and taken to Voldemort’s hideout

#2.Voldemort kidnaps Ginny, and holds a ceremony to get married to Ginny. Fortunately, Harry arrives on the scene just before Voldemort can say, “I do”.

And the number 1 most interesting plot point in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

#1.In the last sequence, Harry has destroyed all the horcruxes, and has disarmed Voldemort. He is just getting ready to hit Voldemort with the Avada kedavra curse when Rufus Scrimgeour arrives on the scene and insists that due process of the Ministry of Magic laws should be followed. Reluctantly, Harry hands Voldemort over to the dementors and hugs Ginny. Title song starts in the background.

Update: In the comments below, Mosilager gives us the most important plot point: Nagini goes to Voldemort and says, “main tumhaare bachche ki maan banne vaali hoon.” Voldy kicks Nagini and throws her out. She joins Harry and gang to bring down Voldy’s empire (although dying in the process because unwed mothers are not fashionable in 80s hindi movies).

Interesting links for your browsing pleasure:

• Certified Grief Counsellor available for parents and children to deal with feelings of loss after reading about the death of character(s) in the book.
• Some guy photographed each page of the book and uploaded the whole set to the internet
• There is a global network of Harry Potter inspired rock bands by kids.
• Not only are people predicting what will happen in book 7; they have also published books about their predictions; and this guy has analyzed the books of predictions and given a nice chart. Compared to these guys, what have you done for your favorite book?
• I got the idea of writing this post after reading this delightfully rambling review of HP#5 the movie.
• A great Harry Potter spoilers comic strip (doesn’t contain actual spoilers)
• Final Harry Potter Book Blasted for Containing Spoilers. In The Onion, America’s Finest News Source. And one of the inspirations for BasKya. “The least [Rowling] could have done was put a spoiler alert or something on the front cover.”
• Mosilager wonders what would have happened if Harry Potter were written by some other famous authors

Amidst the singing of angels, the trumpets of Gods, and the music of
A. R. Rahman, divinity descended to earth as Rajnikanth once again revealed himself to his devotees in the avatar of Sivaji - The Boss. Millions of the disciples took to the streets with processions, pujas, breaking of coconuts, and abhishekam (ceremonial pouring of milk), and in some cases, rioting in the streets.

This coming of the Thalaivar has been prophesied in the holy Bhagavad Gita in this timeless shloka:

Whenever a box-office crisis in *ollywood
sends the country into depression
as Hollywood movies start topping the charts
I shall manifest myself
For the protection of the good,
for the destruction of the evil,
for the establishment of righteousness,
I will make a movie from time to time.

In spite of the prophesy, the exact timing of his descent was unknown and a matter of speculation, because superstar Rajini himself in a previous avatar has said: “Naan eppa varuven, eppadi varuvennu yarukkum theriyadhu, aana varavendiya neratthil correct-aga varuven.” (”When I will arrive, or how I will arrive, nobody will know, but I will arrive when I ought to.”) As a result, not everyone is a believer and some of the heathen barbarians have gone so far as to slap a lawsuit against him.

This latest avatar is intent on eradicating the corrupt destitution and debauchery of kalyug. He will vanquish the demon politicians, reconcile opposites, and renew the process of the Dharma and Creation, thus establishing the rebirth of righteousness and virtue. He will wipe out all sin from the face of the earth - which means all of you sinners are history. Only President Abdul Kalam, Baba Amte and I will survive. Hmmmm….. It’s gonna be rather lonely…. I hope Priyanka Chopra has been a good girl in the last few years, and she can be the fourth person to be spared.

Mumbai | July 13, 2007

After conquering stardom as an actor, hugely successful actor-singer-music director Himesh Reshammiya is all set to wow the world with his artistic skills and some sublime footwork.

Addressing a press conference in Mumbai last night, Himesh announced plans for a solo art exhibition to open at the Jehangir Art Gallery in November this year. Himesh has been working hard on this and says, “This exhibition represents 6 months of hard work, and all I can promise at this stage, is that it will be one of the best art exhibitions to be ever held in India.” The exhibition will feature approximately 35 works of art including oil paintings, water-colours, and pencil sketches.

Himesh (or should we say HR) appeared to be in good spirits in the wake of the phenomenal success of Aap Kaa Surroor - The Moviee - The Real Luv Story, and the genial mood was only marred once when a reporter expressed concerns about the ability of one man to do justice to so many different art forms. “When Leonardo da Vinci was doing so many different things at once, no one thought to complain,” he snapped at the reporter, “whereas I am the most successful music director, most successful singer and most successful actor in Bollywood and people still question my abilities. And I don’t think that even Leonardo had any hit movies to his credit.”

Discussing the future plans of HR enterprise, Himesh said that the highest priority right now is the 24-hour Himesh channel TV cameras will follow Himesh around 24-hours of the day and will broadcast it live on the Himesh channel. After that there are plans of a line of perfumes, a Kathak recital, and a book of erotic poetry.

In related news, Great Bong, who compared Aap Kaa Surroor to a porn movie is being sued for defamation by the Association of Pornographic Movie Makers due to mental pain and distress caused by the tasteless comparison.

Update: It appears that along with the other artistic expressions mentioned above, Himesh is also appearing in comic books.